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It had been a rollercoaster of a week. At the end of this week, I was on supper break at work and thinking through all that had happened. I was feeling calmer than a few days before but also rather empty and disillusioned.

During this particular week I had reencountered my unique brokenness and its negative effects on others. I felt stuck in a rut that I thought I had overcome, unsure of the next step to take. As I ate dinner at work, I was listening to one of my Spotify playlists (to anyone else who listens to dramatically reflective music when contemplating a hard week, I see you.) The song “Sailboat” by Cody Fry and Ben Rector started playing and I was struck. Not only is this song an orchestral masterpiece and uniquely crafted, but the words are piercing to the struggling soul.

I feel just like a sailboat Don't know where I'm headed But you can't make the wind blow From a sailboat I've seen the sun Felt the rain on my skin I've been lost and found But mostly I've been waiting

Oh, I'm out in the waves And I'm hoping and praying Please let this wind blow me home Night after night There's an empty horizon My God, do I feel so alone But sometimes life And most times I feel just like a sailboat

(Rector, 2013)

Slightly dramatic? Yes. Absolutely cathartic and relatable? Also, yes.

As I glumly meandered up the stairs and back to the unit, I walked past a hallway window. The lights of the city’s downtown buildings caught my eye and I stopped to look out into the night.

You might feel like a sailboat, but you’re My sailboat. I’m leading you.

Ah, the sweet perspective of Jesus. I quickly remembered that as much as we may take comfort in artistic reflection over the chaotic waves of life, this type of reflection only takes us so far. In fact, personal reflection without Jesus is simply chaos. Our small perspectives of self in this dark world can create illusions of life that will consistently bring us into deeper and darker waters.

It’s okay to feel like a sailboat that is lost at sea.

It’s okay (and rather important) to encounter your brokenness and feel the pain of it.

But that’s not where it ends.

He wants to guide you through the storms if you’ll let Him.

“Jesus was inside the boat, sleeping with his head on a pillow. The followers went and woke him. They said, “Teacher, don’t you care about us? We are going to drown!” Jesus stood up and gave a command to the wind and the water. He said, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind stopped, and the lake became calm. He said to his followers, “Why are you afraid? Do you still have no faith?""

- Mark 4:38-40


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